if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
