I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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