So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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