She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
