apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
