her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
