No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
