Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
