Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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