im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
