You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
