my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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