If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
