it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
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btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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