I just made out with a guy for $7.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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