Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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