Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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