Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
