I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
