Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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