If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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