I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
