im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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