Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
