I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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