My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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