She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
