i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
