if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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