the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
