I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
