the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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