Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
