i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
