when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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