my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I AM VODKA MAN
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
