I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
