omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
