Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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