I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
