The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
