i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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