You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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