I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
