made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
