I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
