Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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