Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
