the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
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We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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