I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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