the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
