Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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