sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
