i wish there were pregnant emoticons
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
