he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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