matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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