I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
