She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
