I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
